Bernie • MARCH 21, 2003

Thriving in Difficult Times

by Bernie Siegel, MD

What makes anyone exceptional? Simply stated, they show up! They take the time necessary to find the answers, discover their purpose for living and when things get off track, they search for new ways to march onward with renewed enthusiasm.

Whenever anything went wrong in our family, my mother's comment was always, "It was meant to be. God is redirecting you. Something good will come of this." We learned that good things often came into our lives as a result of our difficulties. Our minds and lives remained open to the future and its new possibilities.

Let me share with you some insights for thriving in difficult times. The vast majority of people complain that life is unfair, but since we are all complaining, it must obviously be fair! We all have difficulties. Life is not unfair, but oftentimes it is difficult. When you know how to use the dark times, you can turn charcoal into diamonds or an irritation into the core of a pearl. You can also change your life.

When I lecture, I hold up a white piece of paper with a black dot on it and ask the audience to tell me what they see. The closer you get to New York City, the more time people spend describing the black dot. Finally I tell them that I am holding a white piece of paper with a black dot on it. The paper is a symbol of everyone's life. We all have black spots, but remember, there is a big area of white around it too. We alone decide what to focus on in our lives. When you learn to live in the moment, as children and animals do, life becomes a more joyful experience.

Some of us create compost and enhance our personal growth while others live in the darkness of fear filled with statistics and visions of future problems that might occur. I have many letters from professionals who say, "Thank God I have cancer" or "Cancer is a blessing." What they mean is that they are happy they didn't die suddenly of a heart attack because now they spend more time with their loved ones and are able to experience compassion and love. To clarify, let me offer you the following:

Insight number 1: Accept your mortality and don't wait for a disaster to awaken you to the value of your lifetime. As a child with cancer once said, "Don't wait for a tragedy to occur before you tell your family you love them and you're glad they're alive."

Insight number 2: Learn from those who have preceded you and given you guidelines for thriving in difficult times. All the great sages of the past have shared their wisdom, but how often do you read their inspiring words? We say, "don't fix it if it isn't broken" but that isn't good advice. Too many of us break and then have to become strong at the broken places because of the addictions, illnesses and tragedies we learn to overcome. I suggest you become strong beforehand and resist breaking. Look for the common themes of cancer survivors, AA groups, spiritual leaders, Marines and many others who have learned the qualities of survivors.

To summarize: action, wisdom, devotion and meditation are the keys to self-transformation.

Answer these questions to determine if you have discovered your survivor personality:

Do you have a sense of meaning in your life and activities?
Do you express anger appropriately in defense of yourself?
Do you ask for help from family and friends when you need it?
Do you say no to the things you do not want to do?
Are you the one who decides what prescriptions are appropriate for you?
Do you have enough play in your life?
Do you deal with depression and pain appropriately?
Are you living a role to the detriment of your own needs?
And most importantly, are you dealing with your feelings and letting them help you decide what choices to make?

An attorney once said that after a tragedy he came to a conclusion that was, "eminently reasonable, totally logical and completely wrong" because, "while learning to think, I almost forgot how to feel."

Let me share the words of some "natives" who can help you deal with difficulties through their wisdom. I learned a lot in the year I thought one of our children was going to die of cancer. I hadn't learned to live one day at a time and our seven year old said, "Dad, you're handling this poorly." I knew I was because no one had prepared me! So go and talk to the natives who have lived the experience. Remember you don't live a diagnosis, you live an experience. Most physicians are "tourists" until they or their loved ones get sick and then they write books about their education. As physicians, we learn medical information, but we do not receive a medical education that will help us deal with our feelings and experiences.

From a native:

"In the east a railroad track running from the valley of my arm to the hilltop of my breast.

In the west a creek bed curving along the ridge of a rib.

It is not a perfect landscape, unfit for calendars, postcards or brochures, but my husband is blind to the surface flaws and I see myself through his eyes¾ the eyes of a native who overlooks things that only a tourist would notice."

A woman from Texas shares a poem:

"I grew up in Texas where you learn about hurricanes, rattlesnakes, droughts...and where you learn how to ride things out."

So living in Texas prepared her for difficult times and cancer.

Remember that white piece of paper with a black dot. What if you were just a blank white piece of paper or canvas, a work-in-progress? We must realize we are not just our physical bodies. Trees need pruning to survive and so do we at times. Animals know they are not valued for their bodies.

As a veterinarian said before her mastectomy:

"I have learned so much from animals. I can amputate a leg or half of a jaw and they awaken and lick their owners' faces. They are here to love and be loved and teach us a few things."

A three-legged dog named "Tripod" has no self image problems!

From another native:

"Seeing myself in the mirror it is not as though I lost my breasts to surgery. They seem instead to have been erased or painted over as though the artist changed her mind. But see there are other changes too¾ the shoulders back, the head held higher, the brightness in the eyes, the air of expectancy, listening with keener ears, observing with greater insight. Do we perhaps shed things as we go through life that other features may be enhanced? The canvas is not finished. There is more color on the palette."

Yes, we are works of art that need continuous sculpting. We are a process, not a product. We are enabled not disabled. Love is the great healer and force that changes the lover and the loved, but there is something else that survivors know: building a life of love helps hold us together. The cement is laughter. Healthy, childlike humor is always appropriate. A simple example for you to practice: when you are given a credit card slip and told to sign at the bottom write "At The Bottom" and hand the slip back. If "Nobody is Allowed" go in and say you're a nobody. If the sign says "Wet Floor" well, you know what to do.

See the world through a child's eyes and you will find things to laugh at that sustain you. My wife, Bobbie, does stand up comedy and one of her lines is, "Never consider yourself a failure. You can always serve as a bad example."

Remember we are all here for a limited time. How much of it are you willing to spend being unhappy? As Carly Simon sings, "I haven't got time for the pain." In the time of your life, live well and remember that life is a series of beginnings, just as a graduation is a commencement not a termination. Now begin to thrive, not just survive. As one woman who did a number of things she loved to do in preparation for dying wrote, "I didn't die and now. I'm so busy, I'm killing myself." Burn up, not out and remember to take a nap when you need one.

I leave you with my Prescription for Living the rest of your Life:

Practice Faith, Hope, Peace and Love.

Receive and give liberal doses daily.

Renew as necessary by taking time to savor

what you have created.