Living & Loving… Not Just Coping

by Bernie Siegel, MD

When asked to write an article for cancer survivors, my first thought was that I don't want you to cope with cancer. I want you to do so much more! I want you to thrive, not just survive. My book is not entitled Prescriptions For Coping, I wrote Prescriptions For Living because I learned in 1977 that the will to live is intrinsic. My life and career were changed by one of my patients. We were both attending a workshop run by Dr. Carl Simonton. My patient attended because of breast cancer and I because of my disease (MD - being a physician). She helped turn my life and pain around when she said, "You're a nice guy and I feel better when I am in the office with you, but I can't take you home with me, so I need to learn how to live between office visits."

That was the beginning of my education. I started support groups for people with cancer and became a warrior. I was constantly defending myself against critics who felt that the mind and body were not related. After all, if they were, it would only make patients feel guilty because they would feel responsible for their illness. Well, times have changed and science supports the value of group therapy and de-stressing techniques for all sorts of afflictions. Responsibility and participation are not about guilt and blame. Asking why can only help all those interested in surviving.
Through my experiences in these support groups, I and others saw that there was a survivor personality. Whether the US Marines, Alcoholics Anonymous, Spiritual Sages or support groups are your source of inspiration, you can learn the essential elements for survival. You don't have to be another statistic! Science is sometimes blind to the role of the mind-body connection. The fact that women with the same cancers as men live longer is attributed in many oncology journals to the benefits of estrogen and progesterone. Therefore, a good scientist should realize that married men with the same cancers live longer than single men and can smoke as much and have less lung cancer because of the protective effects of sleeping with estrogen and progesterone!

The truth is your feelings are your chemistry and your beliefs are your biology. I was impressed early on by the benefits of accepting one's mortality. When people learned they had cancer and started living, the benefits were enormous. Many thanked cancer for changing their lives. I don't recommend waiting for a diagnosis of a serious illness to start living. Think about what you would do if you had fifteen minutes to live. Then do it for the rest of your life. I call it finding your chocolate ice cream because one of our children once said, "If I had fifteen minutes to live I'd buy a quart of chocolate ice cream and eat it." For some it means moving to the mountains and for others buying a house at the seashore, taking off their tie, closing the office and picking up a violin, making the world beautiful or spending time with the kids. None of these survivors went home to just avoid dying. They went home to live until they died, loving life so much that every cell in their body responded to their desire to live. They didn't just cope and they didn't let go. They lived life fully and exceeded everyone's expectations. The classic end to a letter I received said, "I felt awful and I thought the doctor was right. I was going to die in two months. So I went home and did all the things I loved to do before I died." The letter ends, "I didn't die and now I am so busy, I'm killing myself. Help! Where do I go from here?" I told her to take a nap. Burning up is not the problem, burning out is.

Remember, we all die eventually and living is not about avoiding that great teacher called death. It is about creating your authentic life, not one lived just for others, but your unique way of contributing love to the world. Life is a labor pain and I want you to decide what you are willing to go through in order to give birth to yourself. The complications of treatment and delivery are greatly reduced because they are now your choice and you are at peace. To see if you have a survivor personality, ask yourself these questions:
Do you have a sense of meaning in your life and daily activities?
Can you express anger appropriately in defense of yourself?
Can you ask for help from friends and family when you need it?
Are you able to say "no" when asked to do something you do not want to do?
Do you decide what is right for you rather than follow everyone else's prescriptions?
Do you have enough recreation in your life?
Are you able to respond to depression without becoming hopelessly depressed?
Are you filling a role in your life to the detriment of your own needs?
When asked to make a decision, is your answer what you think you want or what feels right for you?
What would you place in front of a group of cancer patients to get them to see the beauty of life?
How would you introduce yourself to God?

I hope your answers express your true self and reflect your feelings and needs. Find things that make you lose track of time, learn from your pain and begin to live your
authentic life, not a role. Place a mirror in front of you and tell God "your child is here".

Remember my wife Bobbie's message too, "Never consider yourself a failure. You can always serve as a bad example."

My last bit of advice is to always carry a Siegel Kit with you should you ever need hospitalization. It includes a noisemaker, magic marker and water gun. The first is to get attention when the call button provides an hour of uninterrupted silence. The second is so no mistakes are made in the O.R. because you have written, "Not this one, stupid," or "Cut here" in the appropriate place. The water gun should be used when you are not treated with respect by health professionals.

Here is a summary of what leads to self-transformation and healing:

Action - Wisdom - Devotion - Meditation

Express your feelings, seek knowledge, find spiritual support and spend time meditating and visualizing.

There is a love gene and when you turn it on magic happens. If you don't have one, act as if you do…live with self-transcendence, mysticism, self-forgetfulness, feelings of connectedness and get lost in the experience of the moment. Bacteria are capable of altering multiple genetic mechanisms and developing resistance to antibiotics. They and we have a God given gift to help fight disease. Bacteria have it easier because they don't have jobs, families, schedules, bills and shopping lists. You get the point, so remember, love and laughter heals and benefits the giver and receiver. The hard part is living and loving, or what I call lioving. So turn on your liove gene. It will help your relationships more than amnesia because it is blind to faults and enemies. It kills with kindness. So liove fully until you are tired and then just fall up.

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
- Henry Van Dyke